I should begin by quickly glossing over my cultural and ethnic background, just to ensure everyone is completely cognizant of where my experiences stem from. My father is Punjabi, and was born in Scotland. My mother is white, from Newcastle, England. I was born in New Brunswick, Canada where I learned French. I’m an unusual amalgam of various traditions, experiences, and languages.
During a discussion in class about gender binaries and categorization, the mention of the Hijra came up and immediately prompted me to write this post. Known to me as Khusra (the Punjabi word for it), they are males with female gender identity. In the more conservative parts of India, these people group and live together, usually because their families kicked them out the house upon the discovery of their deviant sexuality and gender expression. Thankfully, this was not the case for a Khusra I consider myself extremely fortunate to know, my cousin A. (A prefers to go by “T” and be referred to with female pronouns, so out of respect for her, I will continue this throughout the post).
My father has five brothers, and each of their families has sons, making me the only (genetic) female. T’s dad and his wife moved to Vancouver in 1981. Their first son, H, was born in 1983, and T was born in 1987. Both of them were raised with as much love and nurturing you would expect from any harmonious family. Religious practices were routine, as was dressing according to their gender. H and T attended formal occasions in a sherwani, typical male garb, and began wearing turbans when they became teenagers. H was the more masculine of the two, he played sports and was the most passionate about upholding traditions and being stringent about behaviors in different social situations. T, on the other hand, was usually discovered among the girls at special occasions or family get-togethers. Many of my family members would joke about him scoping out females for a future wife, but this expectation of a devout following of tradition was ruptured when T was 20, and revealed she was gay.
As aforementioned, T was very fortunate that her family was more westernized than other Indian families. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to tell her story because I would have probably never seen her again.
After T came out, it took the entire family completely by surprise. Tears were shed, judgment was passed. Her parents accepted her after a period of time, but it was still hard news for them to hear. As resilient as ever, my cousin embraced her sexuality and expression more fully by dressing up in sarees and applying make-up before she left the house. When I called her and asked her about disclosing her secret, she told me, “I always knew the gender and sexuality of my brain did not coincide with my anatomy and my upbringing. As a child, I felt restricted in those guy clothes, I wanted to be like the girls and put on dresses and flirt with guys…I decided over a period of time that I would be miserable keeping who I really was under wraps. I was a gay man, but I was born to be a girl, I just knew it. Imagining myself in a t-shirt with jeans or suits for the rest of my life didn’t fit with who I wanted to be. I wanted to be pretty…girls are beautiful and if it was really forced onto me, I could survive in a relationship with one. I could have a family with her and fake complete happiness for the rest of my life. But when I thought about being in a relationship with a girl, the sex I’m not sexually attracted to, I always imagined myself missing out on the experience of being with a guy. That’s why I identify as a khusra…I was meant to be a woman, and I am attracted to men…” (T, 14 Sept. 2012).
Joan Scott wrote that “gender is…a social category imposed on a sexed body” (pg. 1056). generally a binary. Twofold systems such as this provide much difficulty for T. She usually complained about the inconvenience of filling out the forms for her passports or driver’s license. As much as she wants to check the box next to “female,” because that is what she identifies as, she selects “male” since it’s her sex, just to keep things uncomplicated. Though her family accepts her and refers to her with the female pronouns, other families she passes in the streets stare, sometimes mumbling prayers to save her from her “misjudgment”.
I admire T greatly for her strength; especially because of the cultural stigma her preferences entail. For example, in Punjabi culture, much strength is placed on the patriarch. Westernized countries are a little more lenient, but the father still usually holds the most power. Though Scott writes that “gender is a primary field within…power is articulated (1063),” T saw embracing her gender expression as a means to her own happiness despite her deviation from the traditions and expectations of her own culture, rather than seeing it as a demeaning switch from the male gender to the female. Admittedly yes, she technically went from being the ‘more powerful’ gender in the Punjabi culture to the ‘less powerful,’ but T remains proud and happy of the decision she made to fully embrace her expression and sexuality. She has not undergone any sex-change surgeries or hormone therapies as of yet, and she does not plan to.
“Sometimes I wonder if I really made the right decision, and whenever I think back to how miserable I was stifled in man’s clothes without any makeup or jewelry, I can’t see myself looking back…the best thing about this entire experience so far was realizing how much my family cared about me. I was frightened to death to tell everyone, but I couldn’t hold it in any longer. If my mom and dad could love me despite the things I had done in my life, I couldn’t imagine them hating me for who I was…them not talking to me was difficult, but they are now supporting me and my boyfriend every step of the way…I just wish that I could tell others that their stories will have happy endings like mine did, but I would by lying to them…I hope to eliminate that uncertainty someday among those like me” (T, 14 Sept. 2012).
T is now 26 years old and lives in Canada with her boyfriend.
*Also, if you have any questions for T, about her life or anything, let me know and I can forward them to her so you can receive answers. She still has a lot more to say that I didn’t include in the blog post.
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This is a student blog written by my classmate, the names have been removed and certain details omitted to avoid any backlash to either the author or the brave individual the response focuses on. If there are any further questions or comments, I would love to hear from anyone who stumbles across and will relate them back to the author of the post. This post was publicized with permission from the original author.
Gender, Torture, State in Crisis 